i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
