tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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