Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
