having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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