She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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