my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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