Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
