I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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