i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
