I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
