I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize