Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
