a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
