I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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