I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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