you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
and you fell through a lawn chair
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
