watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
