drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
