how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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