I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
