Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
