Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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