Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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