i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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