I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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