Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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