he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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