dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
