Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
