I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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