Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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