i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
