I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
