I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
