Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
