i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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