WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
