reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
