We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
