Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
