i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
