Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
