I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
