you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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