oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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