Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
