I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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