I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
