i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
