nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
