I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I need a beard to bite.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
