When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
