I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
