Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
