My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
