i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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