I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
