Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize