when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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