Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
