The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
