i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
