he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
