I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
